Waiting for Hope to Hit

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June 13, 2015 by hightideanddusk

“My hopes have not gone unnoticed. My Father up in heaven – He sees.”

This week has been rough. I feel as if my core identity is continually being contended for, and while some days I have it down – I am a warrior, I am loved, I am powerful, I have a hope and a future.. – there are many more days when I feel utterly unanchored.

It isn’t that I doubt my abilities creative or otherwise, or that I believe I’m ugly or unworthy, but there is something missing in my heart that leaves me aching for security. Loneliness can assault the soul in the midst of friends, in the middle of conversations with people you are convinced love you, and in the secret place where it’s only you and the God of love. The God who is love.

My ability to feel or comprehend God’s love isn’t based on how much He loves me because He already loves me to the absolute max. It’s based on how many blockades I’ve set up to prevent myself from being honest about where my heart’s at. If I refuse to be honest with God and myself about my faults, fears, failings, doubts, depths of feelings (whether pleasant or unpleasant, so called holy or unholy), then it’s game over.

So here’s what I’m doing to keep myself honest before God & myself:

1) Meditating on Psalm 32:

  Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be—
    you get a fresh start,
    your slate’s wiped clean.

² Count yourself lucky—
    God holds nothing against you
    and you’re holding nothing back from him.

³ When I kept it all inside,
    my bones turned to powder,
    my words became daylong groans.

⁴ The pressure never let up;
    all the juices of my life dried up.

⁵ Then I let it all out;
    I said, “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God.”

Suddenly the pressure was gone—
    my guilt dissolved,
    my sin disappeared.

⁶ These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray;
    when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts
    we’ll be on high ground, untouched.

⁷ God’s my island hideaway,
    keeps danger far from the shore,
    throws garlands of hosannas around my neck.

⁸ Let me give you some good advice;
    I’m looking you in the eye
    and giving it to you straight:

⁹ “Don’t be ornery like a horse or mule
    that needs bit and bridle
    to stay on track.”

¹⁰ God-defiers are always in trouble;
    God-affirmers find themselves loved
    every time they turn around.

¹¹ Celebrate God.
    Sing together—everyone!
    All you honest hearts, raise the roof!

2) Listening to Graham Cooke, on repeat:

Listening to Graham Cooke has seriously changed my life! His Youtube videos/facebook feed and twitter feed is a goldmine of truth and encouragement. So good!!

3) Taking an online course by Jeanne Oliver called “Becoming – The Unfolding of You”

This online course is an exploration into identity in Christ with a super creative and raw honesty vibe to it, and I think it’ll be a good way of knowing I’m not alone in my struggles and questions.

So. Check out these links if you wish, or hit me up if you wanna chat about identity and what that honestly means in day to day life, or just take heart from the fact that you are awesome, as you are. Your flaws and your best days are an equally valuable part of how you contribute to this messy world.

“We tend to think that our real gift is what we can do, rather than who we are.” – Henri Nouwen